I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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