I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
