so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
