ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
