I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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