You smell like stripper and shame
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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