yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
