I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
