just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
