my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
