He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
How naked do you want me to be?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
