She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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