I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
