all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
