I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
