Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
