Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
