i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I forget how to act sober
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