Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
