At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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