I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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