I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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