I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
