I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
