Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
