don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
