does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
