I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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