a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
