i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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