Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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