Apparently you make a good broom.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
