Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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