Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
