Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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