Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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