Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
