Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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