so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
