Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
