Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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