if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
