Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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