hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
