"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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