you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
