I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
