I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
