Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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