I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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