i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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