girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
